Talking to your children about drugs and alcohol can be…well, awkward. It’s hard to know what to ask them, what to say, and if you’ll get through to them. But talking about substance use is important for promoting healthy behaviors.
If you’re not sure how to get the conversation started, these tips from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) may help. No matter what, be open-minded, well-informed, supportive, and an active and compassionate listener.
1. Keep conversations short, informal, and frequent.
When it comes to talking about substance use, having multiple little talks can be more effective than one “big talk.” Talking frequently builds trust with teens. They are less likely to misuse alcohol or drugs when they have strong, trusting relationships with their parents and guardians. You can have these talks anytime—on the way to the store, at dinner, or after sports practice.
2. Have solid goals for the conversation and make your position clear.
When talking about alcohol and substance use with your child, SAMHSA recommends you:
- Make it clear that you disapprove of underage drinking and substance misuse.
- Tell your child you care about their health and success.
- Show them you’re paying attention and that you’ll discourage risky behaviors.
- Build up your child’s strategies for avoiding underage drinking and substance misuse, even if you don’t think they will want to try them.
- Show them you are a trustworthy source of information about these topics or, if you don’t know the answer, that you can help them to find it. That’s because…
3. You don’t have to be an expert to know where to get the facts.
When it comes to alcohol and substance use, it can be hard for people of all ages to know what’s true…and what’s not. Before talking with your child, make sure you have the facts straight. The National Institute on Drug Abuse’s (NIDA) Parents & Educators webpage is a great place to start. Its expert-reviewed information covers substance use and related topics in English and Spanish.
Read answers to teens’ 10 most frequently asked questions received during NIDA’s National Drug and Alcohol Facts Week. Top questions included, “Is vaping bad for you even if it’s just flavoring?” and “Can marijuana be used as medicine?” NIDA’s video library also has teen-friendly Q&As with scientists on a range of addiction topics. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) has quick explainers about the effects of alcohol in their Short Takes Video Series.
4. Be prepared for the conversation to change over time.
As children get older, their environment, experiences, and personal relationships will change. So will the way they learn—how you talk to a fifth grader about drugs and alcohol will be different from how you talk to a high school senior. Adjust the information you share and the language you use so it’s understandable to your child or teen.
For young people headed to college, NIAAA has useful guides for parents and students to make the transition easier and to help them avoid underage and other unhealthy drinking.
5. If you notice something’s different, ask your child about it.
There is no one “type” of person who develops an addiction or experiences other health problems related to substance use. Anyone can develop an addiction. Consider talking to your child if you notice any of the following signs:
- They’ve lost interest in their favorite activities.
- Their eating, sleeping, or personal hygiene habits are changing.
- They’re hanging out with different friends than usual.
- They’re having more problems with family members or friends.
- They’re getting lower grades, missing classes, or skipping school.
- They’re getting in trouble in school or with the law.
6. Have a “code word” for risky situations.
It’s a good idea for you and your child to come up with strategies to help them avoid underage drinking and other substance misuse. But even with a plan, young people can find it difficult to make safe decisions in the moment.
Consider having a code word or phrase your child can text you or someone else they trust if they need help in an uncomfortable situation. Your child may worry about asking for your help for fear of getting in trouble, so make it clear and show them that if they or someone else are in danger, they can come to you for help. Offer them a safe ride home or arrange a ride from another trusted driver.
Did you know: Why is the drinking age 21?
The national drinking age was set to 21 in 1984 in an effort to reduce teen binge drinking and related vehicle accidents. Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for teens in the United States. In 2020, 29% of drivers ages 15–20 killed in crashes had been drinking.
(Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)
7. Be ready to listen to your child, too.
The conversation should go both ways, so listen to what your children have to say about alcohol and substance use. Take their feelings and concerns seriously.
If your child asks you about your own past or current substance use, many experts recommend being honest. Even if you drank alcohol or used drugs as a teen, it shouldn’t stop you from discouraging your own child from repeating that behavior now. And if you and your child are comfortable, you can even share relatable stories from your own life.
8. If your child tells you they are struggling, support them.
If your child is misusing drugs or alcohol, show you love them and get help. Contact their health provider or go to FindTreatment.gov for mental health and substance use disorder services in your area. You can also call the SAMSHA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (TTY: 1-800-487-4889), which is free and open 24/7, 365 days a year. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
